WHAT PRICE, LOVE?

Scroll to the bottom to comment on this post. Ask Laura anything about love after 50 by emailing laura@datingwhilegray.com.

 Q: I’m 69 and have been divorced for 30 years – a few boyfriends here and there, but my last relationship was over a decade ago. I recently moved from the Midwest to the Bay Area to support my family. While I’m loving the grands and being close to my daughter, I’m lonely for companionship. I’ve tried dating apps like Black People Meet and eHarmony, but I don’t stay on long. It seems that the people who reach out to me, I’m not interested in and I feel bad telling them that. And the ones I reach out to don’t respond.

I recently made an inquiry with a dating service that would select matches for me and make all the arrangements. It’s very expensive: $6,000-plus. The well-experienced dating coach said it’s  worth it to land a secure, top-rate man. She also told me since I’m almost out of my sixties, I’d better hurry up because I’m not getting any younger and she doesn’t have many men in their seventies and older who are dating. The sum is doable for me financially but such a gamble. Do you think it’s worth it?

–SF

A: Finding love … sigh. It might seem logical to surmise that the amount of money we spend will correlate with success. But in talking with older daters all over the country who’ve shelled out various sums for a variety of ways to find potential partners, and with mixed results, one thing seems certain: We don’t necessarily get what we pay for.

You mentioned online dating and indeed, a lot of us have turned to the apps. While some are completely free — here’s looking at you, Facebook Dating — others require users to pay for additional features to aid in making connections. On Match, for example, those features may include unlimited messaging and boosts to increase your profile’s visibility.

The main difference between a dating app and a service like the one you’ve described, SF,  is that basically, you’re hiring someone to do all the scrolling, reaching out, and vetting you’d otherwise do on your own. Except the services usually turn to their existing pool of clients to make love connections.* Dating apps typically offer a more robust pool of potential partners. Dating services claim to offer quality over quantity.

I, for one, can relate to app fatigue on the one hand and the desire for romantic companionship on the other. But I’m turned off by your prospective dating coach’s doom-and-gloom attitude about finding love after a certain age. Even if I had $6,000 to gamble – because that’s what it is, a love gamble – I’d probably look to invest with someone with a more positive overall outlook.

Before committing to spending any significant sum on any dating service, I’d want answers to the following questions … preferably in writing:

• How large is the service’s existing pool of daters in my specified parameters including geographic location, age, and education level?
• How many dates is the service promising to deliver, and in what time frame?
• What information is shared by the service before the actual date? (Will we each know what the other looks like, for example, or how we fit each other’s desired qualities?)
• Do no-shows count toward the total number of dates promised?
• Am I able to cancel within a certain time period and get money refunded if I’m dissatisfied?

THE DWG COMMUNITY RESPONDS

For a wider perspective on the invest-to-find-love topic, I asked the Dating While Gray community to take an informal survey on how much they’d spent, and whether they felt the cost was justified. Here are excerpts from some of the responses.

–“I spent a total of $1,730 on seven different apps. Now that I see the numbers, I am embarrassed and disheartened by the money I spent. My current relationship status is domestic bliss with a man found on [an app, 3 years off and on, $300]. It’s the only platform that was worth the money spent.”

— “I spent $6,000 for three months on a dating service**, absolutely worthless. My partner is someone I’ve known since college. Longtime friends, and we started dating a few years ago. I couldn’t be happier!” 

— The apps have been exhausting and filled with both ridiculously awful as well as surprisingly entertaining. I spent $90 for less than three months on one app, and I’ve used Facebook Dating (free). I’m single but dating one guy I like, I met him three months ago.”

— I spent $3,000 for 9 months on a matchmaking service***, actually got some refund before they changed their contract. The money is not much of an issue as long as the service has an active clientele. I’m hoping to find one more tailored to my area. Some of them don’t filter for distance. 

–“I tried Facebook Dating and free versions of [three apps]. I’ve been single for five years. The search is a slog, so maybe I need to spend the time and energy being happy to be alone?”

–“Most apps aren’t very functional, unless you pay for them.”

–Two apps, total of $30? I spent hardly any money but I spent time, and that has value. I’ve been single for eight years.”

–I spent nothing for a free week with one app; met someone and we were together until he died. Four years later, I got on a different app for a month and met a man I eventually married. I don’t remember what I paid, maybe $75 to $150? But it was well worth the cost. I was always on a budget so was cautious about spending too much on dating sites.” 

–“I’m torn about how serious I’m looking and have relied on the free version of apps and pay for minor feature upgrades. If I were more active, I would consider paying for more.”

##

*I’ve heard from two men who were asked by two different dating services to meet with paying clients. All they had to do was show up at the restaurant for a meal and at least offer to split the bill.

**Same service  the letter writer pursued.

***Different service than the one the letter writer pursued.