I confess: Today’s episode almost didn’t happen. On Wednesday morning, I hadn’t yet heard DWG producer Steve Lack’s mix of the tape I’d sent his way. And I was so sleep-deprived, depressed, and anxious after the election that any content other than politics seemed tone-deaf, so to speak. I almost Slacked Steve with the command to “Stop the presses!” … or whatever the audio equivalent is. But then I heard his mix, and I changed my mind.
If you’ve heard the episode, you probably understand why. For me, these four listener stories are a kind and gentle reminder that at the end of the day and in the most difficult of times, we will each get the other through it. If we’re fortunate to have a fulfilling romantic relationship, that’s yet another valuable tool in life’s tool kit.
Speaking of fortune, I especially appreciate these words from Peter — that’s him, with Bonnie, on the episode page: Sometimes I wonder if older people get too much credit for knowing what we want and waiting until we get it. For some, that may be true. I think that some of us just get a bit lucky on this journey.
Amen, Peter. Thanks for sharing. How about you; what did you think of Peter’s words and this episode overall? Please send me a voicemail or email; I always love hearing from you.
Lorne and Martha, in Canada.
Donne and Kevin wear their former wedding bands.
Transcript
LAURA STASSI
This is Dating While Gray: The Grown-Up’s Guide to Love, Sex, and Relationships. I’m Laura Stassi. This episode: The Intentional Love Journey.
Maybe it’s because I’ve been single for a while now. Or perhaps there are certain expectations for the creator and host of a show about new relationships after a certain age. But lately, I’ve been fielding a lot of questions … about whether I’m dating, and what I’m doing to find new love.
Folks, I got nothing. Sorry. I’m not currently on any apps or websites. It’s also been a while since I’ve reminded my tribe to be on the lookout for making an introduction on my behalf.
I am open to romance. And I’m optimistic. Maybe delusionally so. I do tend to procrastinate. I’m also very deadline driven, so maybe I need to SET one. Meantime, I’m getting inspiration from many of you, including Martha and Lorne. Their intentional journey is also a reminder that sometimes, the way to win a heart is to acknowledge the competition.
MARTHA
I married Don in 1983. I met him while I was at work, when he sauntered in on foot patrol, wearing a dashing police uniform, a 6- foot-2 Sidney Poitier look alike, except Don was handsomer. We had a 30-year marriage with all the typical ups and downs of a marriage, until we lost him to cancer, in 2013.
About two years after his death, I went on a dating site and discovered Don’s polar opposite, a 5-foot-8 nerdy professional: Lorne
LORNE
I had been online dating for about six years, some good dates, but nothing lasting and like everyone else, lots of frustrations. Then one morning, I opened my app to find a note from a woman, and this was unusual, a woman reaching out to me — and a beautiful woman, articulate and age appropriate. And in her profile, Martha shared her love of Scrabble. So in my reply to her, I told her that while I love words and I love writing, I was utterly hopeless at Scrabble.
Then on our first date, Martha shared that she was attracted to my profile because of both my words and my pictures. My profile was lengthy. I had tried to really share who I was, what mattered to me. My pictures showed my enthusiasm for life and my passion for travel.
So over the next few dates, it became really clear to me that this was a special, wonderful woman, but she had only been widowed a few years before, and it began to seem to me that she might not be fully ready for a new relationship.
MARTHA
We were dating, and about five weeks into us dating, I was on a trip, and we were just corresponding by email. It was early in our relationship, and no firm commitment had been made. We each wrote emails about ourselves, Lorne about his inner self, I about my hesitation to enter an unknown relationship.
LORNE
Well, she was now going on a trip, a trip to meet her sister-in-law, her late husband’s sister. So while she was away, we emailed back and forth, and we kept telling each other a little bit more and a little bit more about our inner selves, and I kept that feeling that she wasn’t quite ready for a new relationship. And I wondered, is there anything that I might be able to do that could help move this clearly developing special relationship along? And that’s when I wrote the next email to her, an email not addressed to her, an email addressed to her late husband. Here it is: Dear Don …
MARTHA
Dear Don, I didn’t know you, and it’s unlikely we would ever have met, so it’s presumptuous of me to write this letter, but it seems like the best way to respond to your wife’s beautiful and heartfelt words.
LORNE
I didn’t know you, but I’ve been lucky enough to meet Martha, and through her, come to know a little bit about you. How different we are, Don. There’s no need to list those differences. Yet here I am writing to you because through the tragedy that befell you and struck your family, through that sadness, I’ve been granted a rare and special gift, the joy of knowing your wife and of having the opportunity to build a connection to her.
Perhaps the future holds a deep and evolving relationship, a relationship based on warmth and humor, a relationship anchored by interests shared, a relationship founded on kindness and honesty. But it’s too soon for that.
Neither Martha nor I can possibly know where we will go. For now, we simply enjoy each day and each contact for itself, not for what it might be tomorrow, but for what it is today. How lucky you and she were to share 35 years together. I know you left an indelible mark on her heart and soul. I’m sure that part of who she is today comes from who you were, and even in the short time I’ve known her and discovered all the things that make her special, I know you must have cherished and loved this so very special woman.
Don, she’s a bit, just a bit concerned about the uncertainties of the future. How could she not be? To lose a spouse at any age is so devastatingly hard. But as I write this letter, it’s not her I think about, it’s you. Your pain at the pain you knew she’d experience, your worries at the worries you knew she’d have.
I wish I could say that I will hold her heart as tenderly as you did, but it’s too early to be able to say that. Perhaps that will come. It will be glorious if it did for her, for me and for you, knowing that the woman you loved so much is again so deeply loved. And if it’s not me, It will be someone good and wonderful, kind, loving, fun, enthusiastic, because that’s who Martha is, and that’s who she will attract.
If it should be me, though, please know and please believe that your place in her heart is firm, as certain and as strong as the core of strength that made you special to her. She’s honored you with her words about you, and I feel privileged that she shared those words with me. Although I can never know you, I am grateful to you because your spirit is a permanent part of who Martha is today, and I understand how special that spirit is.
So please know, please believe that if it should be me, I will care for the gift that I’ve been bequeathed with all the caring, all the strength and all the love that is in me to give.
MARTHA
When I opened that letter while I was away, that email, I was rather stunned to get it how beautifully written, very heartfelt, told me so much about Lorne as well. I could see who I was involved with, and above all, he kept his word to Don.
LAURA STASSI
Martha and Lorne have been together for about nine years now. Neither is interested in marriage, but they’re a committed LAT couple in Canada. Martha has a city condo in Toronto, and Lorne lives about two hours north, in the ski town of Collingwood.
You heard Martha describe her initial reluctance. But for some people who lose a spouse, when the time feels right for dating, they plunge. Like Anthony. You heard him briefly in the “Romantic Love in Limbo” episode.
ANTHONY
After about month seven, I woke up one day and the flood of grief had receded long enough for me to realize, holy crap, I’m lonely. I’m terribly lonely. I’m painfully lonely. My daughter and I started talking and I got on online dating.
LAURA STASSI
Anthony lost his wife about a year ago, and over the past few months he’s been on an intentional love search. But as you’ll hear, his journey has been rocky.
ANTHONY
Well, my best friend who got married in his 50s, he had some experience. And so I talked to him a little bit about it and what to do and what not to do. But I kind of am an independent sort, so I just kind of jumped in it. And then as I was doing it, then I would call him up and say, hey, am I doing this right? So I had some painful lessons there. I learned straight out of Dodge that you don’t put I am a widower in your profile because that draws the scammers that draws the scammers because they smell money and You know, so this this lovely woman, really pretty Allegedly this woman it turns out it wasn’t But you know, we started having these conversations and before we even had a coffee date because she lived far away, she lived like in New York, but was planning on relocating to California. But before we even meet face to face and have a coffee date when somebody says, well, tell me about all your investments.
LAURA STASSI
No.
ANTHONY
Yeah, that was a low, slow one over the plate.
LAURA STASSI
Not even subtle.
ANTHONY
Not even subtle, and because she said, you know, I said, well, I’ve got a financial consultant. She said, well, they can’t be trusted because they get your money, whether you’re making money or not, they still get by just buying and selling, they always get their cut. So you can’t trust them. But I have some experience, and I can help you. All of a sudden, I started realizing, holy crap. Then she’s pushing me to get on to WhatsApp so we can talk more easily and communicate with her relatives back in France more easily.
LAURA STASSI
Yeah.
ANTHONY
And that was when the alarm bell really went off. And I said, okay, delete, delete, delete. And that was that. And I changed my profile. And so that’s when I started saying, I’m a retired guy who’s beginning the next phase of my life. And I’m looking for a co-author of that chapter.
LAURA STASSI
When you originally wrote me, you said you were having trouble, that you’ve always been a, and I think a lot of older people are like this, you’re a serial dater. You’re not used to dating more than one person at a time. And at the same time, coaches will say, you need to date a lot of people at the same time before you decide which one you’re going to kind of become exclusive with. So when you first got on and met this supposed French woman, were you talking to a lot of different people?
ANTHONY
I won’t say a lot. I will say that there were multiple people that I was talking to. And after French woman, there were others that I was talking to as well. But the thing about this parallel dating is that you mix up details. Is this the one who’s in Baltimore? Is this the one who’s in Cleveland?
Is this the one who has the rock and roll t-shirt like mine? You know, is this the one that has the brother? Is this the one that has the gay son? And, and I began to mix them up and was having no fun doing that. and it was just, it was just too much information to juggle. And that’s when I talked to my friend who had, you know, gone through the same experience that I had, but, know, about two years ahead of time. And that’s when he said, look, if, you’ve got too much going on, you know, then cut down on the complexness of it and just start pursuing one or two butterflies. There are a lot of pretty butterflies out there. But you don’t have to chase every one.
LAURA STASSI
And it sounds like you had opened up the geographic parameters. Was that by accident?
ANTHONY
What it turned out was these were actually local women. But one of them was a consultant who was on assignment in a city about eight miles from me. And then the other one was in Fresno, which is about 200 miles from me, taking care of her elderly mother. But she and I actually met, she actually drove down here to Monterey on her way up to Mendocino so that we were able to spend the day together. And that was very nice.
LAURA STASSI
Sounds like you found someone.
ANTHONY
I did.
LAURA STASSI
So can you tell me about her?
ANTHONY
Well, let’s just call her Shirley because she’s very private and doesn’t want to, you be out there on the internet. She was funny and charming. And, you know, I was about three minutes into it and I thought, wow, you know, and not only, I mean, she was brilliant. She had led a software development team at a big company, like a major company in the Silicon Valley. And then she had also been a recruiter for a while. So she and I had that in common. And when we hugged goodbye after that first time together, then we talked for a couple more minutes and then she hugged me again. I said, okay, double prizes. I’m all right with this. I’m all right with this.
And then we had a few more dates and the first time I kissed her, I felt like I was 18 again. It was like lightning struck me and I just, I was shaking. I just sat in my car and like shook afterwards because this was the first woman that I had been affectionate with since I had lost my wife.
LAURA STASSI
From what you wrote, and forgive me if I’m reading something into it that’s not there, but it almost sounded like you felt, I mean, I hear you, feel like you’re, you know, that first one is always very powerful, but it was almost like a sense of relief, like, okay, I found her. This is her, this is it. It didn’t take me that long.
ANTHONY
I think it wasn’t so much relief as joy that all of a sudden, I got a factory reset. All of a sudden I could feel happy again and joy and giddy. I’m a 68-year-old man. I got no business feeling giddy and yet here I was. Just being with her, I just didn’t matter. I would have done anything to be with her because she just was so awesome, it’s so wonderful.
LAURA STASSI
You both deleted your dating profiles.
ANTHONY
We did, and she had asked, let’s be exclusive, which I was thrilled with, but what she meant by that was, let’s be exclusive so that we can just concentrate on each other and get to know each other more deeply.
LAURA STASSI
Yeah.
ANTHONY
But her frame of reference was that in her relationships, she had had, it took her anywhere from two to five years to get to know people before she got serious. And from my relationship, I mean, you know, it didn’t take long, maybe a month, maybe two. Of course I was in college, what the hell did I know? But, but I told, I told my late wife that I loved her, you know, two months into it. Even though I didn’t have a concept of what it meant. But we learned from that, you know, and we just, we just grew together. But now, you know, at 68, I feel like, okay, I’ve experienced it.
I know what love means and so when I tell somebody that I love them, I know everything that goes with that. And that includes taking care of them when they’re sick, being open to compromise, all of that. I get it. I’ve experienced it, I learned to be that way.
LAURA STASSI
And you wanted it again.
ANTHONY
And I wanted it again, absolutely. And I made that clear from the get-go that I was looking for a long-term relationship. I wasn’t gonna play around. She had an ex that she would have dinner with and things like that. My way of thinking is I can’t be friends with an ex because sitting there across the table from her, I would just be thinking, this is what I lost.
LAURA STASSI
Did you kind of throw down the gauntlet? Okay, you’re friends with your ex, I don’t like this?
ANTHONY
I let her know that I was wholly committed to her and I had told her that I loved her because especially there was one day where I was really sick and she came over, and she took me down to the pharmacy to get my meds to make sure I didn’t fall on my face while I was doing so and she just took good care of me.
I looked in the mirror later that day after she left and I thought, holy crap, I love this woman. I really do. You know, she was taking care of me and doing the things that people who love each other do. And I told her that I loved her. And she said, well, you understand, I can’t tell you that. You know, I can’t reciprocate. And I said, well, we’ll give it time. We’ll give it time. But after two months, you know, two months and some change, that’s when we started having this conversation about gosh, I’m really jealous of this guy. I’m really jealous of the fact that you’ve got this relationship with this ex, you know, who had, you know, he had the world and how can he sit across the table from you and not want you back?
And she said, what about what my heart wants? And I said, well, you know, your heart wants what it wants. I get that. But if I was in his seat, I’d know what my heart would want, and that would be you.
LAURA STASSI
So Anthony, I don’t want to beat up on you, I really don’t, but I have to say, I think this is a difference between a divorced person and a widowed person. Because I think, and especially a widowed person who got married young and stayed married for such a long time. Because I think as a divorced person, I will tell you, I’m not friends with my ex, but I mean, we’re friendly.
There’s no animosity, and it’s because we share kids, not to mention the history, but because we share kids. It would harm our kids if he and I couldn’t sit across the table and have a drink with each other.
ANTHONY
Right.
LAURA STASSI
Like I said, I don’t want to beat up on you, but you’re kind of in your own way, I think.
ANTHONY
in this case, I will absolutely agree with you. My experience as a boy, my parents went through a divorce where I was basically collateral damage, right? I mean, It was hammer and tong. And so when I hear stories of you saying, I have to be friends with my ex because of the kids, you know, in my experience, you’re doing it wrong. You’re, you know, divorced people are supposed to hate each other. That’s what they do. And they talk trash about each other and they kick you around like a football.
LAURA STASSI
Do you think if you had let out a little bit of line, it could have worked itself out?
ANTHONY
Possibly. The way I view it and in my experience, couples, you have rough times and then you work it out, right? And I wasn’t counting time. Her exact words to me were, this is too much for me to deal with only two and a half months into this. And so I just want to tap out.
LAURA STASSI
Oh.
ANTHONY
That one hurt because as far as I was concerned, emotionally I was invested and it didn’t matter if it was a month or two months or two years, the point is I was invested and come hell or high water, I wanted to see it out.
She just decided, I don’t want to invest that much in it. And that was the end of it. (Sigh) You know, what do you do? I said, okay. And I sent her a bouquet and with a little note saying, thank you for everything that you’ve taught me and you’ve given me. I think the world of you. And that was the end of it.
LAURA STASSI
Ug, sorry about that. Anthony, though, he’s resilient. You’ll hear about it, along with two more listener stories. That’s all coming up, after the break.
BREAK
LAURA STASSI
We’re back with “The Intentional Love Journey” on Dating While Gray: The Grown-Up’s Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships. I’m Laura Stassi. Before the break, you heard widower Anthony talking about falling fast and hard. That relationship doesn’t work out as he’d hoped, but he’s back at it.
ANTHONY
My best friend told me, he said, dude, you left home at 18. By 19 and a half, you were a couple. And now all of a sudden, you’re single again, and you’ve got to learn to do that.
LAURA STASSI
Yeah.
ANTHONY
And my reaction was, but I don’t know how to be single. I don’t want to be single. I know how to be a good partner. I know how to be a good husband, and that’s what I want. He and the therapist that I was talking to said, you’ve got to learn to be okay with you.
LAURA STASSI
Absolutely.
ANTHONY
And I said, pfft. I sat back and I said, okay, well, I got to get back on the horse. And so I immediately jumped onto a different app.
LAURA STASSI
Sorry, I like your spunkiness.
ANTHONY
I thought okay, three or four months ago I went through one of the darkest periods of my life when I lost my wife. So OK, I had a girlfriend that I thought was the moon and stars who dumped me. But then I kind of woke up one day and said is that all you got? I’ve been through a lot worse than this. So I’m just gonna keep moving forward, and I did.
I can be by myself, I can do this, but I want somebody that’s going to enhance my life because my life by myself, I got nothing. I don’t have a big circle of friends. I walk my dog every day three times a day and that’s about my life. So I want somebody that can enhance my life and make it fuller.
LAURA STASSI
Sure.
ANTHONY
So I just jumped right back on it.
LAURA STASSI
And tell me about, you were on a different dating app and you met somebody new.
ANTHONY
I did, and she is a surprise. First of all, she lives and works in the neighborhood. Her house is about a mile from mine. So I could walk to her house if I was in the mood for walking. We met for coffee and we had a nice chat and I enjoyed her company. And apparently she enjoyed mine. And then we had, you know, a couple of more get togethers. And I’m just taking it very slowly with her now, you know.
I’m not gonna do with her what I did with the ex. I’m not gonna just go in and just heart and soul and hang the moon on her. I’m just gonna take it a day at a time and see where it’s going, but so far it’s going very, very well..
LAURA STASSI
That’s what I was gonna ask you. Are you taking lessons learned from the previous relationship into this new relationship?
ANTHONY
Oh, yeah. I’m just not gonna be in a hurry. I kind of feel bad for her because I’m not opening myself up to her emotionally like I did with my ex. Because with my ex it was almost instantaneous, right? Instead, we’re going on a lot of dates, we’re spending a lot of time together, we go to trivia nights, things like that.
Getting to know her, she’s getting to know me. And everything is at a much slower scale. I think it’s a relevant point here, too, with my ex it didn’t take us long to become intimate. And again, you know, this was the first woman in a long time that I’ve been with.
LAURA STASSI
Sure.
ANTHONY
Because my wife had been sick for a couple of years and things like that. And so boy, was that an accelerator. But this time around I’m just gonna let things happen organically. We’re just gonna take it slow. Take it easy and see where it goes.
I’m writing a new chapter with this new individual. And I told her, you know, from our almost first date, I said, you know, I lost my wife and I lost a girlfriend that I was just absolutely crazy about. All this is within the last 12 months, and I’m a hot mess. So I got to warn you, you know, I come with a lot of baggage.
LAURA STASSI
Would you describe yourself as coming on strong in relationships? And is that a good thing or a bad thing?
ANTHONY I’ve only been at this for a year, right? And so on my first encounters, I did come on strong, because it was like, okay, I’m in this game, I’m gonna win it, right? And as it turns out, you know, with my ex, that kind of worked against me. So now, I just decided I’m gonna be me and if she likes me, great, and if she doesn’t, that’s okay too. But I’m not gonna push it, I’m not gonna push it. Just so long as I’m happy with the situation, then there’s no need to push it.
LAURA STASSI
Sure. I’m just, I’m curious about your use, though. You said it’s a game and you’re going to win it. Do you still feel like that? Love is a game and you’re going to win it?
ANTHONY
No, I’m not that way anymore. It’s not a game.
LAURA STASSI
Anthony and his new girlfriend have been together for about two months now. We wish you both the best.
DONNE
Hi, Laura. This is Donne. Sonny and I were married for 50 years. I’d never lived alone, and when Sonny was dying, I asked him, How am I going to live without you? He said, you love life too much. Donne, you’ll be fine.
The first year after his death was difficult. I embraced my grief wholeheartedly and emerged stronger from all the work I did. By the second year, I was enjoying my solitude and independence. By the third year, I started missing companionship. I’d stand in front of my mirror and say, I’m a good catch. Someone’s missing out. My neighbor who met a wonderful man on a dating site, suggested I list what I wanted in a new partner. So I did.
Just as I was summoning up the courage to post my online dating profile, I got an email from a close friend with the subject line “a potential new friend?” She said her husband’s college roommate had visited them recently and had a similar story to mine. Terry sent me a brief description: Kevin is 70, five years younger than you, and lives in a beautiful house in San Diego. His wife of 40 years died two years ago. He’s a professional photographer and artist who loves listening to music and being in nature. He’s extremely smart and interested in a wide range of topics. He’s a good talker and a good listener, just like you.
I’m always up for meeting new people, so I texted him and we set up a time to talk. Our first phone call lasted 90 minutes. At the end of the call, he said something I’ve never heard another man say: I apologize for talking too much. Next time, I want to hear more from you. He kept his word during our next call. He listened as I shared more of my story. That call lasted two hours.
The calls continued over the next few weeks. Then he said he’d like to meet me in my home in Northern California. We laughed about our first-date jitters. I hadn’t dated in 52 years, and he hadn’t in over 40 years. When I picked him up at the airport, he kissed me warmly.
We went to my house and talked outside by the pond in my garden, we embraced and I felt an electric charge I hadn’t felt in years. Our three-day visit was blissful, and the chemistry was amazing. Over the next year, we alternated visiting each other. We began discussing whether we could live together. We loved his home, but my family is all in Northern California. My home is in a beautiful location, but much older and smaller.
We took several amazing trips, culminating in a 10-day road trip through the Southwest. On our last day, we agreed this trip had been a good test of our ability to live together. Kevin sold his home and moved in with me in August of 2023. We’re so happy we made this momentous decision. We have fun every day, playing ping pong, solving word puzzles, and feeding the fish in our pond. Every Friday, we take a field trip and go someplace new to explore. We’ve decided not to get married because it’s too complicated financially, but we do wear our wedding rings as a symbol that we’re in a committed relationship.
We both had to make sacrifices when we moved in together, but I feel so blessed to have a second chance at love. If I were to offer any advice, it would be to understand the importance of flexibility, recognize each other’s needs, and sit down together to share what’s on your mind. Share your love and kiss a lot.
LAURA STASSI
Share what’s on your mind … and kiss a lot. I can get behind that. Thanks, Donne.
Finally, I want to end this episode with Peter’s story. He originally sent me an email and … at first read, it made me kind of sad. I thought he was describing a relationship that he had merely settled for. But as you’ll hear Peter explain, it’s a union that’s the very definition of intentional.
PETER
I thought my marriage would be forever, and it was — until it wasn’t. I stayed more than a decade after I knew it wasn’t. Following my divorce, and after a few relationship learning experiences, I am now at 62 more than five years into a committed relationship.
Bonnie and I started dating in January of 2019, we met online. In fact, the day I liked her on the dating app was the day she had logged onto the app to cancel her subscription out of frustration and the overall weirdness, as she puts it, of the online dating experience. For some reason she can’t quite explain, she decided she would humor the universe and meet me. And by the fourth date, we were a couple.
I am divorced and she is widowed. We were both married for over 30 years in our previous relationships. I would not say that we are soul mates, I’m afraid I don’t know if I believe in that, but we are happy together. We have fun together. We know that this relationship will take work on both our parts, and so far, we’re putting in the work. We are consciously trying to be more present in this relationship. We have built our life together over countless conversations into the wee hours, planting and weeding the gardens, cooking and sharing meals together, enjoying many outdoor fires, glasses of wine, dinner parties, shared holidays and family vacations with her two adult children and their now spouses. Her family has been very accepting of me and our relationship.
Laura, you had a great episode on the trauma of gray divorce on adult children. I really connected with that episode. Not all relationships with my adult children are intact. I can’t change their experience, although I do harbor guilt that the decision impacted them in this way. I have grandchildren whose lives I am not as involved with as I would wish and for me, that’s a big loss.
I am fortunate that two of my adult children maintain a healthy relationship with me and are very supportive of our relationship. And Bonnie’s family has been very open about wanting to have them included in family celebrations.
What is next in terms of defining our relationship? Is there anything? I really don’t have a great answer. Bonnie and I are, for each other, the person who knows where the other one is, and would know if there was a reason for concern. We want to be the first call for health issues, and do not want anyone limiting our access to each other during a medical crisis. Formalizing our relationship in some way is something we discuss occasionally over a glass of wine by the fire, but it doesn’t preoccupy us. While neither of us is opposed to marriage, at this point in our lives, in our 60s with separate finances, it just seems to make sense for now to continue as we are.
At the same time, I do feel odd calling her my girlfriend. Laura, I know you like partner, but to me, it feels very businesslike. Usually I just introduce Bonnie by name, and hope people will figure it out. In the past, she would introduce me as her friend and then look sheepishly at me. She knows I am less fond of being called a romantic friend than a romantic partner. What I do know is we are a committed couple, and I’ve come to the realization that the title for the relationship is less important than the shared life. And what we have is truly a good enough relationship. I mean that in the most positive of ways. We are so lucky to have found each other.
Without online dating, for all its challenges and weirdness, our paths would never have crossed. We know, accept and as appropriate, ignore each other’s human frailties. There may be people on this earth we could each be more compatible with, but there’s no guarantee either of us would find them. I feel we’re solid. As a couple, we’re not done growing, and there is no question that we are in each other’s tomorrow plans.
Finding “the one” is not part of my belief system. When I listen to folks at any age talking about the search for connection and a meaningful long-term relationship, I worry that they are focusing on a fantasy that doesn’t exist. I think a good enough relationship is fantastic and removes the pressure of trying to be perfect in a relationship. For me, I am all too human, and I know that perfection in a relationship with me is therefore not possible. And yet I am often reminded that love and people can change. Nothing is permanent, and some relationships have shorter life spans than others.
So as we seek our new love in later years, it’s probably wise to have some realization that the circumstances that led us to dating while gray are still factors in this ode to human life. The benefit of getting another relationship chance is we can learn from our previous experiences, as long as we choose to. And we can change and we can grow, we are not destined to repeat past experiences.
That’s why Bonnie and I are trying to prioritize addressing issues when they’re small; making ourselves available to stop, to listen to what is being said with an open heart, ask clarifying questions, and then adjusting behavior as necessary. And yes, she is much better at that than I am, but I’m trying. It’s not easy, but it is worth it.
Sometimes I wonder if older people get too much credit for knowing what we want and waiting until we get it. For some that may be true. I think that some of us just get a bit lucky on this journey.
END CREDITS
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I’m Laura Stassi. Thanks so much for listening.
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